Behind every woman is a team of experts who help her to look that way, on both the inside and out.  We’re talking hair stylists, colourists, personal trainers… you name it!  The bond between a woman and her beauty consultants is stronger than any man could ever fathom.  We simply chat and connect on a deeply personal level.  The friendship can even persevere through multiple bad appointments, as the barrier to entry is quite high to rebuild that kind of intimacy with someone new.  So we forgive the half-shaved head, platinum spiral perm or missing eyebrow, and remain optimistic for the next visit.

You can imagine my delight, then, when the opportunity presented itself to assist one of my core team members.  I mean, I’m still a little fuzzy on exactly how it all happened, but I think it went something like this.

I was at the West Toronto Wellness Centre last week for an appointment, catching up on all the latest adventures of one of my most entrepreneurial and professional therapists, who also happens to be President of a Fashion Agency, and an Arbonne District Manager, as you do when you have her kind of ebullient energy.  I commented on a new poster hanging in the treatment room, and she perked right up and said something to the effect of, ‘hey, you’re off work at the moment, are you free on Monday?’, to which I hesitantly responded, ‘um, yeah, I think so…why?’.

Well, call me Ms. Pig of Guinea, because today was her final certification day on the VersaSlim machine, and she needed a curvy body to complete the training.  It is, to quote the brochure, ‘An Innovative Treatment for Fat Reduction and Body Reshaping’, with a smiling girl on the pamphlet (presumably the ‘after’ photo), clad only in her undergarments without an inch of orange peel anywhere to be spotted on her luminous skin.  And the session would be complimentary.  Talk about win-win – count me in!!

The first surprise came when I encountered the gallant guy who would be administering her final training.  WTF??  Ah well, in for a penny, in for a pound at this point, so… Bottoms up!

The next step involved strapping the paddles, to quote Bridget Jones, to my wobbly bits.  A mineral oil was first applied prior to the four paddles being strategically positioned.  Two little pads were also tucked into nearby lymphatic nodes – that’d be my groin – to help the released bits of blob pass through my system.  Then, the laser was turned on, and you feel a little like a cow being branded for about 25 minutes…  Just kidding – it does get pretty warm, though, maybe like in a sun bed, except you’re out in the open on a comfortable treatment bed, so you can relax and while the minutes away with something intellectually stimulating, like Angry Birds.

Below are a few pictures to try and capture the essence of the experience.  And no, those aren’t gigantic sperm in the first photo, but rather the paddles primed for battle.  The second is a discreet shot of my caboose being ‘enlightened’, and the third is the safety button in case you need to stop prematurely for any reason, like to have a pee (which I recommend doing beforehand, by the way – just saying).

Afterwards, you take your freshly pressed buns and newly broken down fat cells to the T-zone vibration machine to shake things up a bit.  I believe this is to help further encourage the lymphatic system to expunge the bits of cheese that might still be clinging around to their longtime abode… All I know is, I’ve tried these machines before, and they’re a whole lotta fun!  They do a wonderful job of toning you up with minimal effort, so for someone with lazy tendencies, it is ten minutes very well spent indeed.

In the interest of full disclosure, it is worth mentioning that anywhere from 4 to 8 of these toasty treatments may be required for you to reach the results similar to those advocated in the marketing literature.  So, despite the unseasonably warm temperatures in Toronto this week, I won’t be strutting down Yonge street in a bikini bottom just yet… Although that would be something new…

And if you are considering giving it a try, and what girl doesn’t have a wee bit of cellulite hiding out somewhere on their bod, I would definitely recommend seeing Karryn, because when you’re done, you could even browse her clothing samples downstairs for an outfit that shows off your newly toned svelte self!  Wait, a spa treatment AND a shopping opportunity?  All in one place?  Yes, you read that right.  And you’re welcome.